empty.

I stay awake until the first glimmer of sun hits the horizon, I am afraid of the dark, no one to talk to, only my own thoughts to live with, my mind going to dark places.

Is it time we all opened up a little bit more? I’ve seen more and more people ‘come clean’ about their troubles since the start of the pandemic and it’s very refreshing to see. I don’t think any of us have to hide away now in fear of what people are going to say or how we’ll be received as you can now look across the room at someone with the understanding they just get it. I won’t sit here and explain fully how it feels inside my head nor will I pretend to know how it feels to be in yours; the name of a disorder might be the same but what it does to you or how it makes you feel isn’t necessarily similar and I think that’s very important to understand. We are often taught to build a network of supportive people; family, friends, lovers etc. to help us manage tough situations. You can try really hard, think you’ve got things covered, but when the rain starts to pour down in your life and you put up your umbrellas some of us will still get wet.

One of the main reasons sufferers have often kept their pain hidden is largely due to the stigma that is attached with mental health problems and the lack of genuine understanding and sympathy shown by non-sufferers; it’s a damning shame when people don’t know how to confidently describe how they’re feeling but that’s the current situation for many. The likelihood is you’ll know someone that suffers but you almost certainly will know someone suffering where you never suspected a thing.

From my own experience depression felt like an overwhelming disconnection from the world coupled with an emancipation of all my own responsibilities; I wasn’t necessarily upset or lonely or sad; on the contrary I could still laugh and smile and bring joy even whilst suffering; what it did feel like though is that you were never really even there. There is a numbness, a flatness, a sense of apathy shown to most things regardless of the consequences. You could sometimes say that the lights were on but nobody was home, whilst other days everyone was home but no lights were to be found and you were stumbling around in the darkness. At times you will not eat, at times it is all you will do, at times you will not sleep, at times you will sleep so much you wake up disappointed you even did at all. You can often feel at your most alone when surrounded by other people which is the strangest of sensations and to me, I felt like I just wasn't normal, I wasn't wired right. How could I feel so far away from people so close to me?

Unfortunately depression quite often brings its big brother anxiety to the party and they seem to revel in seeing who can be the stronger and the more dominant each day. That fear you feel over a first day of work, or meeting a new person, is completely natural but if you start to feel that suppression grip you at the very thought of waking up, at the thought of leaving the house, that is when you need to realise it is no longer natural and that something must be done. However, don't try and fight it toe-to-toe, don't force yourself to socialise, don't force yourself to get up, sometimes forcing yourself to do these things can only make you worse and you will eventually lose the battle against a very experienced monster. There is nothing wrong with cancelling plans, there is nothing wrong with hiding yourself away at times, doing these things doesn't stop you being normal because what even is normal? We are our own worst enemies the minute we start to compare what we do to what we see others do. Social media and everything it brings is a parasite to the mind.

I get it though - despite who or what is out there there will always be a part of you that doesn't want to burden others with your issues, you start to question are they even issues, you grow to resent the way you think and feel. You might start to feel pathetic that you can't even control your own emotions. Stop. This is your mind and it is mocking you. People aren't constant, but you are. We must defeat ourselves before we can heal again. It is a crippling personal battle and one which many can - and do - overcome simply on their own but others will require extraneous help through therapy or drugs – whichever works best for you. The worst thing you can do is think there is no light at the end from the abyss.

There are lots of people out there, me included, that will always take the time to listen if people need someone to talk to, rant at or simply be in the company of. Maybe today is the day you want to admit to yourself that you can’t do it on your own anymore: that’s not a weakness that’s simply admitting you’re not quite strong enough yet - but you will be.