waiting.

I'm overburdened almost daily with a decreasing sense of fulfilment in every task that I do; an existence - if we could call it that - set to loop; a lifestyle devoid of ambition, determination or any semblance of a goal. Standing upon the edge of a precipice gazing into darkness and the beyond we seem to wait there whilst contemplating the repercussions that would occur if we took that final step over the edge. What would it feel like? Honestly I think some of us are just too scared to feel anything at all these days; numbed by monotony and negative experiences we prefer to shun anything that just might feel different. There is nothing beneficial about standing still waiting for life to happen all around you; you mustn't wait for someone to give you a little push that sends you over the edge into the unknown. We all have a personal responsibility to make that leap and feel the rush as we fall deeply into an existence because let's face it: right now we're not even existing, we're just the blank space between two points, a beginning and an end, a book with its pages torn out. I think we all too easily depreciate time and all that it governs; we are defined by what we do today, not yesterday, not tomorrow - after all, in the end, tomorrow is just another chance at today. I have been standing upon the precipice that is routine for far too long now and I am thoroughly wasting those precious, finite grains of sand that ebb quickly through the sections of our own hour glasses. In this digital-heavy world and through the reliance on things such as money, relationships and self-worth we are cracking the outer casing of our hour glasses and rushing towards the finish line like a prize awaits us at the end. I often find myself saying "I wish I could just fast-forward to..." and before long I'll be adding up all those days I wished away and realise I've spent my whole life chasing but fleeting moments. I'm ready to stand up and face today for all that it holds.

It has taken a lot of soul-searching but I think I can finally admit that I've been living my life at not even half of its capabilities through both laziness and convenience and that I need to halt the daily chore of being so goddamn acquiescent to what we believe is the norm. We are mentally pummelled from day one from our peers, our surroundings and the media we consume about what is expected of us: go to school, get a job, get married, extend your family and then when all that is done you can finally relax in old age and see out the final years of your life. However, why is this considered the norm in the first place and why is it so important we follow these steps? Now I'm not saying everyone does this nor that no one should do this: it certainly suits certain people with its simplicity and how easily life makes it for us to follow the ultimate plan. I, however, am not prepared to be just another automaton on the conveyor belt of life. I want to be different. I want to be remembered.

There is a time even I believe that certain life objectives should be ticked off but I abhor the way time pressures us into making these decisions before we've deeply thought them through, time of which we hold no control, compressing moments to fit some cosmic timeline. Personally I can't stand most of my current life: from the moment I wake up on Monday to the last second of a Sunday achieving nothing; whether it be a soul-destroying job to the unshakable routine of home life to my complete lack of ambition or want for things. It's easy for some people to be decisive in these situations and shake up this monotony and I applaud anyone who can do this, but when it's been ingrained in you for that long there becomes a point where futility takes hold of any ideas you might have about changing your situation. My biggest and only fear in life is growing old and being filled with regret for never doing something because at the time it was easier not to. I am fully aware of how crippling that would be and I don't think I could ever die peacefully if I lived a life devoid of experiences. I want to wake up in a bitter cold that wraps around me during winter in a forest lodge somewhere; I want to walk to a 7-Eleven at 3am in downtown Tokyo with my headphones in just to get some noodles; I want to watch the Sun rise and set in different corners of the globe without a single burden crossing my mind. Why? Because I never want to be asked if I've done these things before and have to reply no when they were all at some point possible. It's a strange feeling but I'm starting to get restless after being stationary and restricted for so long which in turn has an adverse effect on those around me; people seem to notice before I do when something is up these days which is very strange. I have quite a naturally toxic personality and it would suit me never to settle down in one place forever because hopefully then I can leave only the good impressions behind and take with me the scars and memories no one wants. I guess it's just freedom that I crave and to learn how to become spontaneous instead of so hesitant and calculated. Sometimes terrible consequences are a risk we should take in order to find what we've been searching for all along: a purpose. I want to take the fork in the road that says "Do not follow".

I understand that saying and doing are immeasurably different concepts but I hope that by just telling myself I want more from life I'll be able to one day finally nudge myself off that dark cliff into existence.